Robot Viking

See, it's a Beholder. And it just has the one eye. Beauty...get it?

I miss many things about Dragon Magazine (and whatever you want to say about the current incarnation, it is NOT an awesome magazine full of gaming stuff that gets delivered to my house every month), but one thing I miss the most is the annual April Fool’s issue. Here is a brief sampling of my favorite gags from Aprils past.

I love April Fools Day, but I didn’t want to run one of those predictable fake news items, “OMG, Wizards of the Coast purchased by Hallmark, new Monstrous Compendium to be Unicorn-only!!!” So instead, here are a few classics from Dragon Magazine, plus a few of my own weird items and spells thrown in for good measure.

Teleport Without Awareness - This level 7 spell appeared in the April 1994 issue, and could actually have some use as a last ditch escape method (but probably not). It teleports the user to a random location  she has never been to before and that is at least 50 miles from anyone who even speaks the same language as her. Plus, the teleportation occurs a random amount of time after the casting of the spell.

Create Diamond – When the casting of this level 5 conjuration spell is complete, the caster finds himself holding a flawless, cut diamond worth 15,000 gold pieces. It is a real (though non-magical) diamond in every way, and stands up to scrutiny from the most skilled appraiser. Material component: 1 flawless, cut diamond worth at least 15,000 gp, which is consumed by the casting. (Yeah, this one’s mine)

Robe of Useless Items - A classic from the April 1990 issue, this magic robe is covered in patches that can be removed, causing them to transform into an item that even the most creative players will have trouble finding a use for. My personal favorites include a 1-inch length of rope and several weapons that no one ever takes the proficiencies for (fauchard? awl pike?). I’m sure we can think of some nicely useless 4E items, eh?

Spending Monkey - This magic item/creature is one my brother and I created, possibly after someone slightly mispronounced the phrase “spending money.” In any case, the spending monkey is a small monkey of varying temperament (make up a chart if you want) who attunes himself to whoever finds him. Thenceforth, the monkey rides around on the wielder’s shoulder. Whenever the monkey’s owner attempts to purchase any mundane, non-magical item (food, a room for the night, a horse), the monkey steps in and waves his hand slightly in front of him, a gesture which is unmistakably the universal sign for, “No, it’s cool, I got this.” The monkey will then pay for whatever item was being purchased. However, if the monkey’s owner ever insists on paying, or suggests, however subtly, that the monkey should pay for a magic item, the monkey will get very offended and leave. The same spending monkey will never attune to that wielder again.

I’ll leave you with a fragment of a song. Rewriting the lyrics to popular songs so that they referenced gaming was perhaps the low point of Dragon’s history, but it was a low point they visited year after year, so it must have been nice there in the spring. Here is a mere sampling (mortals could not endure the full text) of “Gnomish Space Marines,” from April ’93:

Giant hamsters move the wheels

And they drive our great machine

They give us spaham for all our meals

And bite us only when they’re mean

We’re all part of the Gnomish Space Marines

Gnomish Space Marines

Gnomish Space Marines

and so forth…

Thanks for the memories, Dragon!

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