So, this is a new Magic card. It will be in Rise of the Eldrazi. But I’m just here to talk about how it might be the most unintentionally hilarious Magic card art I’ve ever seen. Or is it intentional?
The card is called Realms Uncharted, and it was spoiled by ManaNation.com (I’m not trying to steal their thunder, so you’ll have to head over there to see the actual card and what it does — it’s actually quite impressive).
But, uh…what exactly is going on in the picture? I mean, ok, female elf in repose, and certainly more fully clothed than other female elves have been in Magic’s past. But there’s that beguiling (yet also kind of predatory) Mona Lisa half-smile. That pose, which is pretty much straight out of the October 2010 “Girls of Zendikar” Playboy issue. I’m not sure what those things are on her map that she’s fondling so delicately. Also note that the scene is not out in the forest or on a battlefield — we’re all warm and cozy inside her treetop love den. And what is that rope for?
I think the thing that really puts it over the top is the way she’s looking directly at the viewer of the card. That’s rare in Magic cards, and always feels a little weird when it happens. Here, it makes it feel like you’ve just walked in and she’s about to use some kind of horrible Elvish pick-up line on you. “Care to explore some realms uncharted?”
“I, uh…thought you wanted to talk to me about, you know, uh…plotting routes into, er…unexplored territory.”
“Oh, I do…”
I can’t look at this card without laughing my ass off. I also think I’m going to start a new semi-regular Robot Viking featured called “What’s Up with Sexytime Elf Cartographer Lady?” I have no idea what it would be about. Still, I managed to avoid making any terrible Rise of the Eldrazi double-entendres here, so I’ve got that going for me.