What’s Up with Sexytime Elf Cartographer Lady?

So, this is a new Magic card. It will be in Rise of the Eldrazi. But I’m just here to talk about how it might be the most unintentionally hilarious Magic card art I’ve ever seen. Or is it intentional?

The card is called Realms Uncharted, and it was spoiled by ManaNation.com (I’m not trying to steal their thunder, so you’ll have to head over there to see the actual card and what it does — it’s actually quite impressive).

But, uh…what exactly is going on in the picture? I mean, ok, female elf in repose, and certainly more fully clothed than other female elves have been in Magic’s past. But there’s that beguiling (yet also kind of predatory) Mona Lisa half-smile. That pose, which is pretty much straight out of the October 2010 “Girls of Zendikar” Playboy issue. I’m not sure what those things are on her map that she’s fondling so delicately. Also note that the scene is not out in the forest or on a battlefield — we’re all warm and cozy inside her treetop love den. And what is that rope for?

I think the thing that really puts it over the top is the way she’s looking directly at the viewer of the card. That’s rare in Magic cards, and always feels a little weird when it happens. Here, it makes it feel like you’ve just walked in and she’s about to use some kind of horrible Elvish pick-up line on you. “Care to explore some realms uncharted?”

“I, uh…thought you wanted to talk to me about, you know, uh…plotting routes into, er…unexplored territory.”

“Oh, I do…”

I can’t look at this card without laughing my ass off. I also think I’m going to start a new semi-regular Robot Viking featured called “What’s Up with Sexytime Elf Cartographer Lady?” I have no idea what it would be about. Still, I managed to avoid making any terrible Rise of the Eldrazi double-entendres here, so I’ve got that going for me.

13 Responses to What’s Up with Sexytime Elf Cartographer Lady?

  1. Do her proportions seem off? I’m not the most knowledgeable about elf anatomy, but I get the feeling that they don’t bend like that, or maybe she’s missing part of her torso? I don’t know, this looks like one of those cards that I’ll sell to someone more hard core than me.

  2. I think the perspective is a bit off on the picture. It could be the style, but it feels slightly awkward.

  3. It could be an article that deals with sexist & needlessly sexualized portrayals of women in gaming products. You shouldn’t have any trouble finding enough stuff to make it a weekly column…

  4. Yeah, I have to admit I’m impressed they actually put clothes on her. The slightly beefy arm is a nice change too. However, that brings up another thing that’s wrong with the picture; does she have two different kinds of arms, or what? They just don’t look like they belong to the same person.

    Minor rant inbound.
    As Mordecai said, it would be pretty easy coming up with over sexualized imagery of females in the gaming world. It’s prevalent everywhere, and WotC are no exception. I’m of the mind that I understand sex sells, but sometimes it’s done to the point that it’s almost insulting to the target audience. Take, for example, a web series that was recently premiered on the The Escapist called, “I Hit it With My Axe”.
    All it consists of are videos of a D&D session played entirely by females, but here’s the hook… some of them are porn stars! =D That’s enough to get people to check it out, and unfortunately that’s it’s ONLY selling point. It’s not interesting, it’s not funny, it’s poorly edited, and hard to follow… but hey, it has boobs, so that’s good enough for us typical, lonely, horny, gamer nerds right?

  5. It is disturbing when Braids is staring at you in that card…and sexytime cartographer is, too. And what’s with all the pouches? Did Rob Liefeld draw her?

    -Ben.

  6. Interestingly, I now have an emo band called Sexytime Elf Cartographer. Look for our hit single “Something’s Bugging Me About Tolkien.”

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